The other day I was reading an article in diagonal when I stumbled upon something that made me want to think about love. The author that I cannot retrace right now, stated that we say "falling" in love and not "ascending" in love because the actual event is charged negatively. It made me look back at my life, and I have to agree. That illogical state of mind that suddenly gets ahold of you, can be seen as a virus, an illness that you catch.
Love makes you weak, love makes you controllable, love makes you jealous, love has a lot of negative stuff coming along the chemical imbalance. Love is only the process via which life manipulates you to assure its perenity. You need to see yourself as a consumable, you are the coal of the life furnace. But life does not reward you for it. Every love story has an end and most probably a bad one. Let me ask you this: how much as you lost with love? And how much have you gained from love?
I personally have been treated better by total strangers that the very people who said they loved me. That's what love does. It brings you ownership over someone else. It makes you believe things that aren't right, which is the pure definition of mental illness. But love is not something that has occured a lot in my life, and I mean real love, support and understanding. At some point I was craving it because I felt a void in me but it was never a void. I had something already there in my stomach that I was afraid to watch and I thought love would make it go away.
But that stomach ache grew everyday despite the love that I would put on top of it, from whomever I could get. I always thought that warm ball of unknown would destroy me so at that time I decided to just ignore it. But it kept on growing and love would make me weaker, so I decided to look at it for real, and let it flow my body entirely unconstrained from my stomach.
I felt the rage fill me entirely. I felt it strength, its determination, its intellect, its purity, it's beauty. It makes me stronger everyday, faster, meaner, I hate it so good. It took a while for me to start managing it, and its still pretty hard. But it's been such an engine for so many aspects of my life. It brings fear to people around me which brings respect as a collateral. It brings respect to my own self to not let me fall ill again, it protects me. If I listen to it, I see through lies and games. If I let it get a hold of me, there is no fear anymore, of anything, not even death.
Rage has become my best ally. It was there the whole time, since the begining, looming in the darkness, waiting for its moment. I fully embrace it now. I can create or destroy so much with it. It makes me god of my own world. It removes any limit, even time.
I rage you, rage.